Snail Mail is not Dead

The Internet was asked to speak at Snail Mails funeral recently. Below is a short excerpt from the Eulogy.

“My dear friend Snail Mail asked me to speak at his funeral, and although I get really choked up when I see my old buddy like this, lying in this casket in front of us, lifeless with no soul, I know it was important to him that I give the Eulogy. He took me under his wing when I was just a baby, but he was so protective that I really never got to show the world what I was capable of doing until about 2006. Oh, some people used me, but he really had everyone snowed into thinking he was the only way physicians learned about practice opportunities.

Snail Mail was as strong as an ox until around 2004 when he contracted the “Nobody Reads Me Anymore” disease. I guess that’s why the Post Office is 15 billion in the red and considering closing on Saturday’s. No one uses Snail Mail anymore. You almost look like a lost soul, like you’re stuck in a time warp when you walk into Post Office. It smells like grandpa’s nasty old socks when you walk in there and you can tell the staff is just hanging on so they can retire and collect that nice pension check. I guess that’s because you need activity or things become really stagnant. I think that’s what you smell when you walk in there. I mean he was so strong and people simply couldn’t get enough of him. It didn’t matter what he charged, they were willing to pay for it too. He owned every physicians mailbox in the country. He would show up whenever he wanted, unannounced, and impose himself and even tricked most people into thinking he was something way more important, when really it was just another piece of junk mail. Our old buddy Snail Mail was clever and cunning but eventually everyone figured him out and just quit falling for his tricks.

I remember him telling me when I was just getting started, “no one will ever use you Internet or your buddies Email and YouTube, to market their opportunity or anything, for that matter”. He was so convincing that I actually started to believe him. I mean until he came down with that life crippling disease that eventually took his like, Nobody Reads me Anymore, he didn’t really give me a chance to make a difference. I guess we will just have to see how this whole thing turns out. You were a good man, Snail Mail, and you will be sorely missed. RIP.”